Being different

This post can at times be a little self congratulatory, which isn’t something I normally do on a public blog. But today I’m in a situation in my life where I need to write my mind out as it is – and hence, the tone needs to be the way it is. This post is also very vague, and that too isn’t how I write but today it needs to be this way. For my loyal single-digit worldwide audience (if even that :)) bear with me in this 1 post.

Everyone lives life according to a moral code that they define for themselves. Of course there are exceptions world-wide in autocratic countries. I’m not talking about those people, to be clear. For everyone who can choose, they form their moral code over time. Your genes, your parental influence, your siblings, how you grew up, your relatives and friends, your experiences and your own choices all go towards it.

I too formed my own code, bit by bit over time. I’m sure it has its flaws, like everyone else’s, but I’ve lived my life by it – tweaking it as needed (and continue to when I find flaws) and largely found it to be something I can rely on even when times are really tough. I look to it as a reference whenever I’m in trouble and it’s very rarely if ever let me down. People who know me to differing degrees have generally acknowledged the good elements of the code – my honesty, sense of fair play, ability to listen, reliability in a crunch, often finding solutions when none might be evident, clarity of right vs wrong and maybe a few others. Generally, while people don’t necessarily always agree with how I lead my life – at the very least, most I’ve crossed paths with have generally respected how I behave and how I’ve gone about my life.

Often people have brought up the fact that I’m different.. different in the way I think and act on a daily basis, independently as well as when I’m part of a group. They’ve often commented about the positives of being the way I am and how clear my mind is, and how while it doesn’t conform to the way people will normally do things – it is a valid viewpoint. Sometimes this ability is admired as well and people have benefited because I am this way. At times its backfired too, of course, but I’d generally say that the pluses of being this way of outweighed the negatives, and people – specially those close to me have actually acknowledged it.

Today though, me “being different” with respect to a specific situation is suddenly a major problem. I’ve been called abnormal, selfish and a number of other painful things by people who should really know better. It’s been said that my “need” to be different is so overwhelmingly high, that I am not thinking straight and its coloring my actions. Every assurance in every possible way that I’ve given to people that I am making this choice after very carefully considering it, is ignored. Every attempt at showing why this is rational is ignored, despite knowing exactly what I am saying and why. Today everyone wish that I was “normal” while ignoring the fact that I am the way I am today (all the good parts) because I am not “normal”. If people chose to benefit from that side of me, I find it very sad that today years of knowing me as a person is all thrown away, and every effort is made to “change me”.

I don’t deny that I think differently. I don’t deny that sometimes my views can be controversial. I don’t deny that sometimes it is hard to walk on the path I choose. Yes, it is absolutely important (to me) that I make conscious choices for reasons that I consider valid while at the same time as fair as possible. I have only this one life, and limited time to lead it how I want. I don’t want to get to my 60’s and look like a hypocrite in my own eyes. I want to be true to the code I design for myself and live by it as best I can. Everyone who matters know this. 100%. They have been largely content to benefit (emotionally and mentally – not in a material sense) from the good sides of being this way. Hence, it is unfair today to ask for a change because the flip side is evident in this situation and they don’t like it. Fairness and justice clearly only work one way – when I’m giving in. If I don’t… well you’ve read this post.

I don’t know if there will be a way out of this situation. Things today are deeply damaged. I don’t know if these wounds can truly heal. Sometimes life is that way I guess. Despite doing everything right (in my eyes) and everything I possibly can, while still staying true to myself – it isn’t close to enough. Maybe like one of my good friends says, it’s time to accept this as the new reality. There is no other way. Not right now anyway.